Doing More

I really feel like I should be doing more. I’m not really sure what or how, but I have this sense of urgency, a feeling of unrest in my soul. My faith is very important to me. In the early days of my blog, I used to write about it a lot more. You can catch up by reading more posts about faith.

I have this yearning for God to use me. I want to be the hands and feet of Christ. I want to do His work. The problem is I don’t really know where.

Don’t get me wrong, my job right now as a stay at home mom is a very important ministry. Helping my son know who Jesus is – I don’t think there’s anything more important. But I still feel like I should be doing more. I feel like I need to do more.

As I was driving home the other day, there was a homeless man begging for money at the exit. His sign read, “Anything helps.” I had nothing to give. I drove on. Hours later, I was driving to the store. As I drove across the overpass, I saw a man walking across the overpass. He shook the hand of the homeless man and gave him a bag of food from a nearby restaurant. I burst out in tears. I was thankful that God had sent someone to take care of the homeless man, but I really wished I was able to do that for someone. We recently moved across country and moved back a year later for many reasons and my husband just started teaching again this month. We’ve barely had enough money to take care of ourselves let alone help anyone else. That bothers me. I know our savings will be replenished and we’ll be able to give financially again, but still it bothers me now. But even if I had the means to buy that man dinner, I wouldn’t have the courage to give it to him. That’s what bothered me the most. I want so badly to do something, yet I can’t do simple things like talk to strangers in need in my own town.

I honestly think the problem is with talking to adults in general. I have a hard time talking people I don’t know. I’m not very good at small talk. I grew up thinking I was an introvert. When I was in a leadership training for my church, I found out that I’m actually an extrovert. Go figure. My husband who can easily talk to strangers is an introvert. It doesn’t quite make sense, does it? My husband is gifted at talking to people, but it is very taxing – it wears him out. I, on the other hand, am energized by being around other people. I tend to talk a lot. My husband is very deliberate about what he says – he thinks before he speaks. I think out loud. I will say that we make a good team, and God has put us together for a reason.

We have done mission work before. We have been to Kenya and to the Rio Grande Valley. I felt the most useful during those trips. I knew my purpose. It was clear how I was being the hands and feet of Christ. We have considered becoming full time missionaries on several occasions. The time has never seemed right though. We’re not sure.

I taught high school for 5 years before staying home with my son. As strange as it may seem, I actually felt like I was being the hands and feet of Christ in my classroom. It was a public high school, so of course I couldn’t overtly discuss my faith. I would have students ask me privately about what I believed, and I was able to share with them. I know I planted seeds and helped some of those children find others to talk to. There weren’t a lot of kids – just a handful, but they are important all the same.

My dilemma is where do I go from here? Now that we are back home, things seem to be returning to what I would call normal. That, however, is one of the reasons we moved. Complacency. We felt we were getting stuck and needed to be doing something. Well, as it turned out, we had a lesson to learn in our year away. I learned that I wasn’t in control in 2009 when I had my miscarriage. I learned to trust God wholeheartedly without question. It took several events last year while we were away from home for my husband to learn that same lesson. He believes it’s the reason we moved down there. He needed to learn that he wasn’t in control – that God is.

Returning to “normal” means I get to sing on Praise Team again. I have so missed that. For me, singing in the congregation just isn’t the same. I also get to return to teaching Sunday School. And there will be other opportunities to serve. I still get this feeling I should be doing more.

The youth ministers {husband and wife team} at our church are stepping down to work on their education/career. I thought that was the perfect answer. Patrick and I could be the youth ministers. I talked to him about it, and he did not feel the same way at all. I prayed about it. I think the answer is no.

I was reading Psalm 119:105 in different translations. In the New King James, the verse reads,

Your word is a lamp to my feet
And a light to my path.

I got a better feel for its meaning when I read verses 105-112 from The Message.

By your words I can see where I’m going; they throw a beam of light on my dark path. I’ve committed myself and I’ll never turn back from living by your righteous order. Everything’s falling apart on me, God; put me together again with your Word. Festoon me with your finest sayings, God; teach me your holy rules. My life is as close as my own hands, but I don’t forget what you have revealed. The wicked do their best to throw me off track, but I don’t swerve an inch from your course. I inherited your book on living; it’s mine forever— what a gift! And how happy it makes me! I concentrate on doing exactly what you say— I always have and always will.

Well, I will continue to be listening for what God wants me to do.

Thank you for allowing me to share this today. I know it is a bit different than the children’s activities I normally share. Writing helps me process my thoughts and feelings.

Do you ever have the feeling that you should be doing more?