Honesty, Joy, Tears, and Faith

It’s been a while since I’ve written a more personal post or even a parenting post. Usually, I share activities that Aiden and I do. My faith is very much a part of who I am, and sometimes I feel the need to share something that’s on my heart. Writing helps me process situations and feelings, so I hope you don’t mind my sharing with you today. I want to be honest with you when life is not going perfectly.

You may have noticed that I haven’t been posting as often in the past month as I was before. This is because I have been very tired. That is to be expected when you’re in the first trimester, right? We were expecting a new little baby to join our family in November. I saw my doctor at the beginning of last week and she was concerned I wasn’t measuring correctly. I should have been in my 9th week, but she estimated I was about 6 weeks. She scheduled an ultrasound to confirm how far along our baby was. The ultrasound was unnerving. As soon as I saw the monitor, I knew something wasn’t right. The ultrasound tech said she would explain what she was seeing in a minute. She looked for a heartbeat, and I saw nothing recorded on the monitor. The tech told us that the baby started to develop, but then stopped at about 6 weeks. There was no heartbeat, so it didn’t look good. She brought in an OB doctor to talk with us and confirm what she saw. The doctor said it looked like a probable miscarriage. He was most concerned with the lack of hearbeat and the size of the yolk sac in comparison to the baby. He said we could wait a week and repeat the ultrasound to confirm – if that’s what we wanted. I didn’t think there was really any other choice. So that’s where we are – waiting. Anticipating a probable miscarriage, but praying it won’t happen. Praying that the baby is just younger than we all expected and that the larger yolk sac doesn’t mean anything.

I’ve spent the last week spending time with family and appreciating my little rainbow baby, Aiden. You see, this isn’t the first miscarriage I’ve experienced. The first one happened at 6 weeks. I was completely devastated. What if I could never have children? Why did this happen? Why, God? The only answer I received from Him was, Do you trust me?  Well, yes, of course. It took a while, but I was finally at peace with what happened. I feel like my faith was strengthened through the healing process.

To be honest, this time, I am just angry. I know I will eventually be fine. I have faith that God will help me through this. But right now, I am crying angry tears. I am angry of this possibility. Angry that I have to wait a week to find out. I haven’t been able to write and share things with you. For this I’m sorry. Next week, I have a few posts planned, and then hopefully, everything can return to normal.

Update: There was no change at the second ultrasound. Now I am awaiting the probable miscarriage. Thank you so much for your comments, thoughts, and prayers. It really does mean a lot. I’m not exactly sure how to describe my emotions right now. I’m no longer angry. I’m just sad. I also think I’m a little bit in denial. Healing will happen. I trust God for that. It will just take time.

Aiden and I went to the zoo one day last week. It really helped to take my mind off things and remember the joy I have in him. So I will leave you with some happy pictures of our fun day.