Decisions & What Ifs

You probably noticed I haven’t really posted much this week.  I shared our love story on Valentine’s Day, but that’s been it.  I’m struggling with several decisions in my life right now, and I haven’t really felt like sharing.

What I want more than anything is to follow God’s path for my life.  I spend time thinking and agonizing over what it is He wants me to do.  My husband and I have always been drawn to foreign missions.  {You can read about our experience in Kenya here.}  We keep saying that when the time is right, we will go full time if that’s what God wants.  In the mean time, we look for short term opportunities.  What if we’re just supposed to find a way now? What if that’s why nothing seems to work out?

Over the years, we have had several plans for our life.  One decision here or one decision there would drastically alter that plan.  We decided the changes were good things at the time.  Sometimes, we look back and wonder what if?  What if we had made this decision instead?  What would our life be like?

The last month has been pretty rough and has made us question whether or not we should have moved here.

We moved from Missouri to Florida in August and spent a long time house hunting.

We closed on our house at the end of December and moved in.  We got a call from our mortgage company saying they needed paperwork confirming something about Patrick’s job or we might lose our house.  {It was all worked out, but stressful in the process.}

Aiden had to visit the ER and stayed in the hospital for 3 days.  We found out just how crappy the insurance we just bought was.  I had never had to choose a plan on my own; it was always chosen for me by work, or we had student insurance.  To top that, the hospital the ER transferred us to was not an in-network provider for our insurance even though we asked to be transferred to one that was, so we have to pay double.  Not sure how that will be possible.  Still working on it.

We moved here so Patrick could work on his doctorate and I could stay home.  It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time.  It’s what Patrick wanted.  It’s what I wanted.  Now there’s a very real possibility that his program could be cut and his advisor could be let go.

We are just so ready to give up.
But then, will we be labeled failures?
Do I even care at this point?

I wrote about what Beth Moore said about being attacked by Satan.
And I’m praying.
I keep praying.
But, honestly, I’m tired.

God has always taken care of us.
And I know he always will.
But sometimes I wish things could just be a little easier.

Today, I pray that God will show us very plainly what He wants for us.
I pray that we make choices that honor Him.
I pray that God can use us.

Thanks for listening.