Birthday and Remembering a Loss

Tomorrow is Aiden’s 2nd birthday!
I’m so excited about that.
We have a party planned for just the 3 of us,
then we’re going to the zoo for the night time Winter Wonderland.
Aiden will LOVE it.

But, I also remember the little one that we lost.
Patrick and I were married for 9 1/2 years before we decided it was time to have a baby.
In February 2009, I found out I was pregnant.
I was actually in a bit of denial {even though I wanted a baby so badly}.
It happened immediately and it seemed too good to be true.
I even waited a while to take the pregnancy test.
It was positive, so I called my doctor and made an appointment.
She confirmed what I already knew –
we were going to have a little bundle of joy in October!

And then something terrible happened.
On February 14 {that’s right Valentine’s Day},
I lost our little baby.
We were at a friend’s house, and I wasn’t feeling very well.
I had a fever and was just miserable.
I went to the bathroom and was shocked by the blood.
I had no idea what to do.
I just started crying.
I, of course, feared the worst.
I was only 6 weeks along – what could be done?
I called one of my other friends.
She told me to call the nurse’s line.
They got me in contact with the OB doctor on call.
I think we decided to wait a day to see what happens.
{There’s nothing you can do at 6 weeks is all she could tell me.}
I talked to her the next day, and she had me meet her at OB triage.
They took blood and checked for hormone levels.
The next step was to go to my doctor a couple days later
{don’t really remember how many – it’s all kind of a blur}
for more blood tests to see if my hormone levels were rising or lowering.
I honestly don’t remember the results,
but my doctor sent me to get an ultrasound.

Here’s the worst part {I think it’s the part that hurts the most}:
the ultrasound tech said there was no evidence of a baby at all.
Apparently, that was supposed to comfort me.
Like, oh, you weren’t pregnant, so no need to worry about it.
But it didn’t comfort me – at all.

My doctor disagreed.
She said my hormone levels were such that I was pregnant.
{Not sure if she was just telling me that to comfort me or not}.
Regardless, I know there was a little life growing inside of me.
He’s now in heaven, and I’ll see him one day again.

I really struggled with why this happened.
I questioned God a lot.
The only answer I kept getting was, “Do you trust me?”
Well, of course, I trust You, Lord, but I still don’t understand.

I had started a Beth Moore bible study in February called,
Esther: It’s Tough Being a Woman.
The first week, we had to list reasons it was tough being a woman.
I honestly had a hard time coming up with a list.
I was thinking – my life’s not hard – I like my life.
Then, February 14th happened,
and the bible study made so much more sense.
Losing my baby was the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
God knew the bible study was exactly what I needed at the time.
It was a study on the book of Esther,
which is now one of my favorite books in the Bible.
{Oh, btw, I just found out that Beth Moore has a blog, so I’m totally subscribing.}
God made sure I had help during my time of sorrow.
The bible study helped me.  It forced me to talk to God about it and me.
I think my faith was strengthened because of the whole ordeal.
I still don’t know exactly why this happened,
but I have been able to minister to people because of it.

If you have lost a little one and are wanting ways to remember,
take a look at the ideas from Small Bird Studios.
Franchesca has put together the 12 Days of Christmas with You in Heaven.
A group of wonderful ladies are sharing ideas for how to remember our little ones.

I want to share the story of my second pregnancy, but I will do that tomorrow.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8 NIV
{Beth Moore shared this verse.  It is an awesome reminder to just love – always love.}

Much love,